peace

At the end of the day, everything is perfect, and I know this.  It's amazing how I get myself in brain scrambles so frequently.  The rhythm of life is immediate.  At the end of the day, I'm living in SF, and I have an art studio on Market st, and a computer where I can make music, design & video.  What is there really to stress and stress and stress about?  Better to just stay in the moment & make sure I actually really appreciate my situation, caz it can be ripped away any moment.

But what is bad, really, if my consciousness is good?  I think that's the secret...I'm "me" anywhere I go, whatever I do.  Insecurities aside, what ever I am about & whatever I radiate will shine no matter where I'm "working" or where I'm "living" etc etc etc.  My essence is always there, and if I'm happy with the essence I'm projecting than I always win!  Pretty nice, comforting.

For me, there are 3 mandatory practices to follow everyday for optimum satisfaction.  The first is a schedule...a tightly outlined daily routine split into tasks, communications, and projects categories.  I have a bigger calendar for year round events, and a smaller one I keep inside my back pocket at all times.

Second is my meditation practice.  At least 2 focused hours everyday.

Third is the spiritual experience.  Making sure all through the day I am actually EXPERIENCING the prescence and grace of God...and not totally living like a slave, listening to my mind and regretting what I don't have "now" and "need" in the future.  Seasons change, it will always be ok.

feels so good to write...

Departure & Arrival

Whewww.  It's been quite a while since I've written a journal entry, and even longer since I've written a blog post.  My need to write is clear, the book "The Artist's Way" was very influential, and stressed writing for a half hour a day, as a method of uncovering feelings and realizations that are dwelling below the surface of practicality.  In addition, a consistent blog acts as an archive...a way to keep myself accountable for my time and motivated towards consistent production.

I have to say that the support I've gotten from the facebook art page has been major...at the end of the day, my lack of art-making comes straight down to fear...mostly the fear of wasting time...that none of the art that I'm doing is that significant or genuine, more like wallpaper or decoration.  I fear that I'm just adding more noise and novelty and entertainment and giving people more cause to be distracted from what's truly valuable.

The Departure.  The other day at Yerba Buena park (magnificent) sitting on the grass, in the sun, I realized that focusing my livelihood on selling products does not sit well with me.  Sure, art art valuable blaa blalblalblablala.
My mind has revolved so many times, the bearings are about to wear out & release my brain through my ears and nose.  At the end of the day, it's clear that relying on painting sales for survival is a poor direction, because my work will definitely be influenced by it, if only subconsciously.

In connection with the subconscious is the path of psychology, and more significantly, therapy.  I've realized that I want my work (life) to be service, and I cannot sell products and engage in a capitalistic market.  It's been an agonizing few years.  Painting, video, motion graphics, web design, illustration, sound design bla bla bla bla, just spinning around, spinning around, rejecting one medium for another, not realizing that my art could actually serve a much deeper, rewarding purpose.

Beyond my lifelong stubborn refusal to spend two years at a junior college taking classes that aren't "relevant" to my life, is the reality that selfish relevance is no longer relevant.  As the value of pure servitude increases, the approach towards meaningful work, the value of "any means necessary" in connection to a goal increases.

The Arrival. I'm going back to school this fall, and I'm going to become a high school or college art teacher in 4-6 years.  Another possible direction is art therapy/child psychology, but I still have two years before that decision needs to be made.  I'm ready to get at least a BA if not a Masters, and finally have the means to not only provide the most noble service to humanity, but actually have the resources to live without stress.

My relief is palpable.  The thought of connecting with kids, providing encouragement and guidance is exhilarating and extremely cathartic.  The opportunity to provide therapy and mentoring through art is another reason that this path has emerged victorious.

So what about art?  Well, the thing is, it doesn't matter so much anymore.  I don't need to get "good" at it so I can "sell" it.  I don't have to "market a product," which is insanely relieving.  The answer is, i just don't know.  I think it's important to do a little something every day, just in terms of consistency, but it's fantastic not to have any pressure in connection with art.  I'm looking forward to the day that I can have a big show and not care (or need) any of my art to sell.  I feel that with the completion of the skunk train mural & the Beachcomber mural, I've made a significant impact as an "artist" and have completed my initial goal.  Now it is time to move on, to dig deeper & become a servant.

This is the purity.