Patience

Tomorrow is going to be a whole new chapter in my life...film school! I've always been a huge fan of cinema since I was a little kid...it's such an amazing medium with an unlimited range. I've always wanted to make movies, and fortunately technology has advanced to a point where you can create a full feature film for under $20,000 and a great looking HD film for under $5,000. And those limits are being broken every day.

My desire to control the future is the root of my impatience. The truth is, I will always be taken care of by God, but I lose faith in that & become impatient because I can't find a job, can't finish a project, don't have what I want NOW. The job thing is certainly an issue, but what's the worst that can happen? Even the birds and flowers have a place to sleep, plenty to eat & nice clothes to wear.

Creatively, I've become impatient because I don't have the money I need to start my painting series, and I'm attached to that. Instead of getting frustrated, I just put energy into other projects & have trust that the money will come. Interestingly, sometimes when I don't have the resources I need it forces me to come up with clever solutions. For instance, I don't have enough money to buy spraypaint, but I can always mimic the effect of spray paint with oil & perhaps even stumble onto a happy accident in the process.

Process is an important word for me, because I am generally addicted to results & perfection, which is a copout & a mechanism to stay fearful and safe. I have a quote on my monitor that reads, "The success of a creative recovery hinges on our ability to move out of the head and into action."

I feel a positive momentum growing year by year as I slowly break thru the guilt and shame involving creativity that I experienced as a child. It feels empowering, and although I know from experience the amazing catharsis I feel when I am creating, my mind & emotions from the past are so powerful, sometimes I end up cripped & take a step back.

2 steps forward, 1 step back. If that's the rhythm that's necessary, I'm going to embrace it with confidence & enthusiasm & never relinquish my determination.